Heeding God's Call

“I would recommend not putting off writing 
if it’s something you feel called to: 
if you put it off, then the writing can’t do the work 
that it needs to do to you.” 
(Linford Detweiler from the band Over the Rhine)

Photo by Kaitlyn Baker 

I found the above quote in a mass email sent to me in April 2009. At the end of that same email Linford wrote, “Maybe a writer will find [this], God help her.” A writer has found it. And she does indeed need God’s help…to deal with the wave of regret raging like a torrent through her life. That email hit me right between the eyes at the time and yet I still filed the dream away for another three years without touching a keyboard. I did eventually start this blog. It lasted about 6 weeks. A year later, I restarted this blog one more time...for a month. Here I am again—more than five years later (gulp).

To be honest, I can't really give you a good reason for my long absence. Partly, it’s because I have not been following God’s call on my life. I know that we are always called to use the gifts and talents we have been given in order to build up the body of believers. For me, that call, at least in part, involves writing. Yet, nearly every day I find an excuse not to do it. I’ve been cupping my hands over my ears saying, “La-la-la-la-la-la!” and running 180 degrees in the other direction like Jonah. What’s funny is that I thought God wouldn’t notice that I had booked a flight to Tarshish.

The first whisper of this call came to me in 6^th grade when I got my first A+ on a writing assignment in English class. It was a limerick about a toad crossing the road. It didn’t end well for Mr. Toad, but that A+ did something in my soul. Something came alive. Someone heard my voice…and liked it. I was the youngest in my family by ten years, I was bullied regularly, and I didn’t have a lot of friends. I felt invisible. Writing gave me an outlet; an alternate universe I could thrive in. I started writing poems in my room at night. I wrote about clouds and rainbows, a crush on Robert Redford, and kicking the butts of those bullies. I continued to pursue writing through high school and college, taking writing course after writing course, even majoring in English with a writing emphasis—yet I didn’t really do much actual writing.

Why not? The simple answer is fear. Fear shows its fangs in my life mostly through catastrophic thinking. Psychology Today defines this as “ruminating about irrational worst-case outcomes.”[1] Can anyone out there identify with that? It’s easy to write a first draft. I have about 50 blog post drafts sitting in a folder on my computer. Editing is where my perfectionism and tornadic thoughts kill them. Which word is best? Should I really keep this sentence? Does this one get my point across so that you truly understand it the way I meant it? What if I offend someone? (How can I NOT offend someone these days?) How do you perceive me? What if you don’t (gulp) like me? 😯

That’s one side of my catastrophic thinking. The other side goes something like this: if God has given me this gift, then surely He will bless it, right? So, my blog will gain attention. I’ll be so widely read that soon I’ll be laughing on the couch with Savannah Guthrie and Hoda Kotb on Today. Then Jimmy Fallon will call—personally. Publishers will line up at my door begging me to write a book—no three! Soon the blitz of media coverage and the demands to do book signings and speaking engagements will become so overwhelming I can’t breathe and then…. It. Will. End. No one will want me anymore. Someone will take my place as the “it girl” and I’ll be cast aside like an empty pop can.

Sigh. Welcome to my brain. I apologize for not giving you fair warning. But this is how I sometimes think. I have trouble staying in the moment. I am a chronic overthinker and it sometimes paralyzes me. And that’s at least partially why you haven’t heard from me in a while. I’ve let the enemy win this ridiculous battle.

Except that he hasn’t won the war. I’m not dead yet! It’s time for me to start fighting back. My heart is full of words that must be shared, even if it’s just among friends. I want to “mind my matters” with you because I believe we all process the world we live in far better if we do it out loud in the company of friends. So, this post is the start of “writing” that wrong. (My love of word play hasn’t gone anywhere!) I am recommitting myself to you and to this blog.

So here I am. If you’re new, it’s nice to meet you. If we’re old friends, bring it in for a (((hug))). Let’s process this crazy world together, shall we?

But before I sign off, this isn't just about what God is calling me to. What is God calling you to? What’s that nagging feeling you can’t shake? Does he want you to serve the poor? Forgive someone? Mentor a teen? Does He want you to drop something from your schedule so that you can help get your kid through a difficult phase in their life? Is it time to complete your college degree? Start a new business? Read 12 books in a year? Fast for 24 hours? Fix a bad attitude? Let me urge you as one who has ignored God long enough, DO IT TODAY.

You may feel like Indiana Jones in the Last Crusade walking off the edge of a cliff, but rest assured, if you’re in the center of God’s will, there is solid ground beneath you. And if you’re reading this, I just walked right off that ledge—but amazingly, I find myself standing on a more than solid Rock.

See you again soon!

Copyright ©2019 by Cherry Lyn Hoffner. You may not reproduce this post in any form without permission. However, linking to this post is encouraged.

---

[1] Ron Breazeale, Ph.D., “Catastophic Thinking,” Psychology Today, PsychologyToday.com, accessed 5-2-16

Let's Try This Again, Shall We?

Things that matter in life: relationships. When you boil life down to the empty pot, I'm not sure anything else in life matters more.

Sadly, I have failed in my relationship with you.

I haven't blogged since my spiritual birthday last year. Please forgive me. There are a couple reasons for this, though neither of them is really any good. First, I've been throwing myself a pity party and didn't invite you. I wasn't sure you would come. Who wants to come to a pity party? (All the codependents said, "Me! I would have come! I would have made you cookies or cleaned your house or hugged you til your arms fell off! I would have fixed it for you! Why didn't you tell me?)

I've been having a pity party because my life has not exactly met my expectations - which are pretty high. (If you recall, I'm a recovering perfectionist). I'm not a parent. I'm not a world-famous writer. I'm not wealthy. I don't live in my dream house. I haven't traveled the world. High expectations, wouldn't you agree?

So I've been feeling sorry for myself. I play the comparison game and see others pursuing their dreams and going on fun vacations and looking happy and I just want to crawl in a hole and cry. Of course, there is no benefit to this behavior whatsoever. It only makes me more miserable to dwell on my shortcomings and broken dreams. Pity parties are no fun.

The second reason I haven't shown up for my own blog is that I'm afraid of you. Yes, you read that right. You scare me. I worry that you won't like what I have to say. I worry that I won't say what I really need to say because I'm worried about what you will think of it. I worry that I will say something kinda spiritual and then you'll see me doing the exact opposite of that spiritual thing and you will label me a hypocrite. I worry that you'll put me up on some kind of pedestal and admire me or some nonsense like that.

Obviously I live in a fantasy world.

My delusions of grandeur are exceeded only by my self-doubts. I have wanted to be a writer since I was 12, when Mrs. Czechvala gave me an A+ on my limerick about a toad who crossed the road (hey, it rhymed!). At that moment, I thought, maybe there's something here. Come enter a typical Cherry daydream: I will write stunning books of poetry; novels that make you laugh and cry; articles that will inform and transform. I will be the next great screenwriter. I will be...famous! (To get the full effect of that statement, you need to picture me with a flourish of outstretched arms and a silent "ta-da" in the background. And while we're at it, why not add the Oscar orchestra playing me off stage as I thank all the little people for their contributions to my greatness.) This is how my brain works people.

Reality: I got a couple poems published in a university publication, wrote a monthly column for a church newsletter, and published exactly one article and one interview - at least 15 years ago. Oh, and I wrote seven posts for this blog which I selfishly abandoned. That would hardly qualify me as "a writer."

I would like to believe that writing this post will be a breakthrough for me. For a long time, I've been trying to figure out why I haven't been writing. Now that I know that I'm afraid of you, I can choose to see you for you who really are - normal, not-so-scary people who just want their lives to matter too.

I started this blog to work out spiritual truth in my life and discover what really matters. I want to get back on that journey, and again, I would like to invite you to walk that path with me. I don't want to sugar-coat my life. I want it to be raw and real. That is really scary. But I know One who is way bigger than any of my fears.

So I'm back. I hope you're glad about that. If you're not, or if you don't care, I'm okay with that. I'm writing, I'm obeying, and I'm searching. And that matters.

Copyright ©2013 by Cherry Lyn Hoffner. You may not reproduce this post in any form without permission. However, linking to this post is encouraged.